Planning

I might bemoan my busy life, but in part, I think it helps keep me sane. There is something comforting and familiar about looking at my planner and seeing it full of names and times to be places. Being one of those people who needs external motivation, perhaps this is how I get things done. 8am-drive to school, 11am-class, 12:12pm-lunch with A, 2pm-class, 4pm-pick up E kids at tutoring, etc etc etc. It's different every day and I am honestly with a different group of kids every day but it keeps things interesting. Am I a little bit crazy? Mmhmm. Is it fun? Pretty much, on most days. I homeschool the C kids, do laundry with the B kids, drive around the D kids....I mean, I'm big sister to practically every child I know. I like it.

Which is why looking at January + is scaring the heck outta me. There's nothing there. Not one notation or plan or date filled or anything. I will be student teaching in January and I have no clue where that will be. I know I'll be busy and hectic January-May but the fact that I have no control over where or how that will happen? Terrifying.

I'd like to order some motivation, please.

I have this assignment. It's due tonight by 11:59pm. It's not hard. In fact, it's actually pretty easy and yet I just can't seem to get it done. My brain literally does not want to do it. It really should've taken me about an hour to complete it and yet here I am, 4 hours later, still procrastinating.

Why is it that some people can just do things? They have something they have to do so they do it. Me? Nah, I'll find at least 3 reasons why it can be done tomorrow or why something else is more important. I mean, I folded 3 loads of laundry for my brother today JUST to not do this assignment. This very easy, not hard, shouldn't-take-a-long-time assignment. Gah. How do I flip this switch in my mind?

On a happier note (and still procrastinating), I feel like I resolved some stuff today. See, I'm an angst-er. As in, I overanalyze everything to death, especially interpersonal relationships. What did So-and-so mean when she said ______? Was she trying to hint that _______? Or maybe she was feeling ________ and so she __________. I mean, it gets exhausting. So, when I can finally put something to bed, so to speak, it's like a physical relief. An unburdening, if you will. And I feel good. Relieved. Unburdened. Nice.

So, now I'm going to finish this blasted (easy) assignment, once and for all. Just get it over with. I mean, it's easy, right? Why am I still here? Still procrastinating?

Gah.

Blurgh

Thursdays are NOT my favorite anymore. They used to be...they used to consist of awesome TV shows that I actually had time to watch (Grey's Anatomy, anyone?!) and reminded me that I was super-close to the weekend.

Not anymore.

I don't watch TV unless it's on Hulu and I'm at school for approximately 12 hours. Boo. That means I have to pack lunch AND dinner (if I don't want to pony up for both meals, which can get expensive, yo) and I don't get home until after dark. Yes, I know being uncomfortable (or just plain scared) of the dark is childish, but I hate walking around downtown after dark.

Anyway, today a friend and I were talking in the library and I mentioned how I've been feeling kinda down lately. Just a general feeling of blah-ness that pervades everything. I don't really want to do anything but sleep and I grind my teeth when forced to do anything BUT sleep. So, not only am I full of the blah's, my teeth are being systematically ruined.

I need to get out of this funk. Like, now. I know several things that would make it better (at least temporarily):

- relaxing beachside in a tropical location

- no homework

- a long playdate with my lovely niece

- a great bottle of wine (Black Puma, holla)

- a massage

- a real date (I mean, it's been awhile since I've been on a real date, people...)

Anyway, I'm sure this too shall pass, but until then, if you hear my teeth grinding or some subtle, under-the-breath cursing...it's me.

W.O.W.

A few things I just feel I MUST share....

1) I loathe jeggings. I don't care if you like them. If you look like Gisele and can pull them off, all the more power to you. But, there are very few people who look like Gisele. I loathe jeggings.

2) I love Anne Riley. I truly think she's brilliant and pretty much trust her when she says "Go read this book" because she's usually right. She's throwing major props toward Beth Revis for ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (which is brilliant) and DIVERGENT by Veronica Roth (which is brilliant) and I'm right there with her. I even bought DIVERGENT....like, to own....on my bookshelf. Wow, so good. And Anne is a great writer as well, so I love reading her stuff too. In fact, DIVERGENT is on my shelf, very cozy and sweet-like next to THE CLEARING. I'm sure she'd like that.

3) I might just have the coolest dad in the world. He eats my food. He teaches me valuable skills. He is in love with his new granddaughter (little Magpie) and takes Me-maw to the gym. Best. Dad. Ever.

4) I need to clean and organize my room and my car.

5) It's been a hard week but I've seen how wonderful and supportive my friends and family are. Props to you all, dear ones.

Ok.....I think that's it for now. My angsty week is over and I've had a relaxing, chill day. I didn't really get anything done, but I'm a happy girl for now. Peace out.

Housekeeping

This is not my strong suit. I mean, I can keep a house clean but keeping organized on all the little things? Yeah, I kinda suck at it. For example, I have needed to buy simple school supplies for a week or so now and I have yet to do it. I have several lists...here are two I just found in my purse and bookbag, respectively:

List #1

- buy: glue stick, scissors, tape, highlighters

- beta read friend's book

- update blog

- clean bathroom

- wash sheets

- return library books, pay fine

List # 2

- buy school supplies

- finish reading Chapter 3 for Lee Meadows

- sheets

- insurance

- beta beta beta

I mean, wouldn't it be easier to have just one comprehensive list instead of several that get lost? Herein lies my dysfunction: ADD. I suck at this stuff. I thrive when organized but find it very difficult to maintain a lifestyle that keeps a routine. I don't really know how I've gotten this far in life with this much dysfunction but I seem to make it work. I've made it through quite a bit of school and good jobs but I'm starting to feel stuck.

One can only hope that I'll get better as I get older, but there's no guarantee. I kinda feel sorry for my future kids.

Two Lives

Tomorrow, my family will celebrate two lives. One has been around for awhile and is always good for a laugh (tonight at family dinner, we had been discussing how ridiculous it was that all the people around the table were unarmed and the ever-present possibility of the beginning of the zompocalypse is looming [Dad would have to run to the back bedroom for his shotgun, my gun was upstairs, Mom's gun was in her office and Kevin didn't even bring his gun in because he figured we'd be well armed], and had been having the discussion for about 10 minutes when Me-maw pipes up and says, "What do zombies have to do with guns? Weren't we talking about guns?") and then other will be born via C-section at 12:15pm.

I truly can't wait to be an aunt. Little Noodle has two onesies (is that how you spell it?) that say "My auntie loves me" and it's so true. I've already started buying her books because one day, you will find the two of us ensconced in a corner somewhere in the house surrounded by fantastical books about far-off adventures and fairy-tale romances. I will teach her all my favorite things, like when to use "me" as opposed to "I" when tagging herself in Facebook pictures ("My boyfriend and I"....really?!), how to hang up all her clothes so she doesn't have to fold them, how to label all the countries in the world, except the 'stan countries and Eastern Europe because those are too confusing, how to read Korean, how to shoot a gun, when it is polite to belch and when it is not, how to make perfect pot roast......so many things! But, you're probably thinking, um Ansley, this isn't your kid....yes, I know. I'm just going to be the best aunt ever.

And Me-maw will teach her how to play Parcheesi. And then I will beat her mercilessly because it doesn't do kids any good to "let them win". So there.

Raw

Here I am...another nameless face stuffed in a computer lab at UAB. I'm surrounded by people and yet feel strangely disconnected from all that's happening here. I just finished a class and honestly don't care about it. I have another class in an hour or so and I just don't care. To quote my favorite YouTube video (and if anyone has been around me lately, you've heard me say this), "Honey badger don't care."

I'm not sure if my lethargy comes from being done with this whole school thing or just the crap going down all around me. I feel emotionally bruised and battered, from a lot of differing emotions and situations. A dear friend of mine is hurting...hurting badly. She and I cried on the phone together this morning, both wondering when there is going to be a reprieve. I was sitting in the halls of UAB and she was probably in the car somewhere, both of us tied by this fragile string called love. An even more fragile string called hope, that may or may not be broken. My heart literally aches for her constantly and I dream of a day when she will have what she deserves.

The good thing about aching for her is that it helps me forget my own aches. So, in a way, sharing her pain is a semi-masochistic way for me to bear my own. I have some decisions to make and my heart is just sore thinking about the repercussions of my choices and how the things I do in this life affect more than just me. I kinda hate that about life. I hate that I have the power to hurt others, but it's a fact that I'm trying to come to grips with.

So, I sit here. Tears sting the back of my eyelids and I have that tight, unreleased feeling in my chest that comes from putting on a polite face for the world. I really want to just sit down and cry in a corner and be left alone, but that isn't how it works. I sit here, trying to remember how to pray. Trying to remember what hope feels like. Trying to remember that there is strength to be found in shouldering each others burdens.

Honey badger is really, really trying to care.

Another giveaway!

She's doing it again, folks...my dear friend, Anne Riley of www.annerileybooks.com is giving away two more books! Head on over to her blog and enter for a chance to win.

I know I've posted a bit about Anne and her giveaways but some of you may not know her. Well, let me introduce you :)

Anne Riley (formerly Anne Capitell of the Birmingham Capitells) is a force to be reckoned with. As a Spanish teacher at a prestigious private school, a doting wife and a supermom, she still manages to find time to write delicious stories that leave you wanting more. Characters jump off the pages and climactic scenes leave you on the edge of your seat. It's fairly addicting, people, and her writing makes me want to win the lottery and give her a ton of money so she can quit her day job and focus on getting me more books....'cause, you know she writes just for me ;)

Her debut novel, The Clearing, is fantastic and I can only hope that she has a sequel lurking in her brilliant brain somewhere. Her blog is entertaining and witty, containing book reviews, giveaways, "nonsensical musings", and familial anecdotes. So, like I said, head on over and enter to win a book or two. No, wait....if you enter my chances of winning go down.

Forget I said anything.

Bad blogger!

Ok, I admit it...I'm a bad blogger. Part of it is because I don't feel like my life is exciting enough to blog about. Am I a burgeoning YA novelist on her way to superstardom? Nope, that's Anne Riley. Am I a mother to 6 and semi-married to one of the hottest men in the world? Nope, that's Angelina Jolie. I'm just a boring homebody who'd rather watch a movie while eating leftovers in my PJs than go out on the town. I'd rather read a good book and cook a yummy Asian-inspired meal than go to the movies. I love Publix. I love my library and the fantastic women who work in YA. I love my family and every bit of the craziness that goes along with being a Kniskern. I've got it pretty good people ;)

So, news? Um, I live in America again, I don't have a job, I'm halfway through my second MA, I'm living at home again (shhh, don't tell anyone), I'm going to have a niece soon (Holla, Margaret!!!), and I'm often too busy responding to online discussion board posts for my language development class to remember to call friends back. How are you?!

More later....I'm going to try to be more faithful on this thing....if anyone still reads it ;)

Lurve!

Yet more Anne Riley for ya

So, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a big fan of my dear friend's writing. And, not only is she amazingly talented, but she is ALSO amazingly generous! She is doing ANOTHER giveaway, so you should go to her blog and enter! Her book is great and it's FREE!!!!!

www.annerileybooks.com

Go now!!!