Raw

Here I am...another nameless face stuffed in a computer lab at UAB. I'm surrounded by people and yet feel strangely disconnected from all that's happening here. I just finished a class and honestly don't care about it. I have another class in an hour or so and I just don't care. To quote my favorite YouTube video (and if anyone has been around me lately, you've heard me say this), "Honey badger don't care."

I'm not sure if my lethargy comes from being done with this whole school thing or just the crap going down all around me. I feel emotionally bruised and battered, from a lot of differing emotions and situations. A dear friend of mine is hurting...hurting badly. She and I cried on the phone together this morning, both wondering when there is going to be a reprieve. I was sitting in the halls of UAB and she was probably in the car somewhere, both of us tied by this fragile string called love. An even more fragile string called hope, that may or may not be broken. My heart literally aches for her constantly and I dream of a day when she will have what she deserves.

The good thing about aching for her is that it helps me forget my own aches. So, in a way, sharing her pain is a semi-masochistic way for me to bear my own. I have some decisions to make and my heart is just sore thinking about the repercussions of my choices and how the things I do in this life affect more than just me. I kinda hate that about life. I hate that I have the power to hurt others, but it's a fact that I'm trying to come to grips with.

So, I sit here. Tears sting the back of my eyelids and I have that tight, unreleased feeling in my chest that comes from putting on a polite face for the world. I really want to just sit down and cry in a corner and be left alone, but that isn't how it works. I sit here, trying to remember how to pray. Trying to remember what hope feels like. Trying to remember that there is strength to be found in shouldering each others burdens.

Honey badger is really, really trying to care.